Often, abuse doesn’t just happen. It is methodically planned out by the predator, often across long periods of time. Grooming and human trafficking are closely connected, as grooming is often the first step traffickers use to exploit their victims. The trafficker builds trust, creates dependency, and isolates the victim to gain control over them. Once this control is established, it becomes easier for traffickers to exploit the victim for labor, sexual acts, or other forms of trafficking. By knowing and recognizing the signs and stages of grooming, you can help prevent the abuse before it takes place or learn how to intervene to protect the lives of those you love.
What is Grooming?
Grooming is when a sexual predator builds a manipulative relationship with a child or adult with the intent to abuse or exploit them. This process happens over time as the predator gains trust and bonds with the victim. Initially, the behavior and actions seem innocent, but when trust and the relationship have been made, the predator will start proceeding and break boundaries. But many children do not see anything wrong with this because their predators have manipulated them. Grooming can happen anywhere and to anyone.
Where can Grooming Happen?
Grooming can happen online or in person. The abuser may be a stranger, but often it happens between someone the child may already know and trust, like a family member, teacher, coach, etc.
Miya’s Story:
When Miya was 15, she struggled with depression and anxiety, making her vulnerable to grooming. A predator in her life noticed this: her camp counselor Kent Peters. Around the camp, he was known to act inappropriately, seeming to cross boundaries or just act a little too personal, but it was brushed off as ‘Kent being Kent.’ But after the summer was over and camp closed until next season, Kent sought out and continued to talk to Miya online through social media platforms. He gained her trust by reaching out to her and connecting with her vulnerability, knowing Miya felt isolated due to her mental health struggles.
Once he gained her trust, he began pushing boundaries. He inquired about Miya’s dating life, boys, drugs, and being under the influence—inappropriate topics for a grown man to be asking a 15-year-old girl. However, the relationship continued because Miya felt heard and trusted him, eventually leading them to add one another on Snapchat. Snapchat is a platform where you can send things that will essentially only be seen during that time or the other person will be notified if something was screenshotted or saved. This was when Kent began asking for inappropriate, explicit photos and sending them to Miya.
Kent then started inviting Miya over, coercing her into sexual acts by using alcohol and abusing the trust he’d built through the grooming process. This story gives the perspective of someone who Miya should’ve been able to trust. Kent abused his power as a counselor, which allowed him to abuse her over time with no one suspecting a thing.
Most of the time, we hear about the stories online, but rarely are kids able to report these things to a trusted adult, whether it be because of fear or not even understanding the abuse as wrong.
The Pattern of Grooming:
Not every situation will be identical; these are just the common steps that abusers will take when trying to groom a victim.
Identifying Victim:
Anyone can be a potential victim. However, some circumstances can make a child more attractive to a predator. A child with parent(s) who are absent or parents with impairments (illness, drug abuse, alcoholism). Children who are in a lower economic class, those with disabilities, and those with lower self-esteem are also put in a vulnerable position. 66% of victims are between the age of 12-17, with girls at a higher risk of being groomed. Predators find victims that they believe are vulnerable and think they can easily manipulate them—someone who may be open to having an adult friend or who may lack emotional needs at home.
Gaining Trust and Access:
The predator will start by gaining information about the child to find an easier way to create a bond between them. The abuser approaches the child as a friend. They do innocent things that make it seem like the abuser does care for the child. They will be an emotional support, buying them gifts and giving attention to them. The abusers may even go as far as trying to gain the trust of family and friends. They will give the child what they may be “missing” or to fill a void. Overall, they make the victim feel special to exploit their trust later down the line.
Isolating:
This is when the abuser often convinces the victim that they are the only person who truly understands or cares about them. They position themselves as a constant source of support, ensuring the victim relies on them completely. By becoming the victim's sole outlet for sharing thoughts and feelings, the abuser fosters emotional dependence. They may also arrange one-on-one outings to deepen their influence and further isolate the victim from others, gaining control over their thoughts and actions.
Once the abuser knows they've filled the need, they begin to break boundaries. Once these boundaries have been broken, the abusers train their victims to keep their secrets. These secrets are used to manipulate and further isolate the victim.
Desensitization and Abuse:
The physical relationship may start with a simple hug or arm around the shoulder, which may not seem overly concerning. But this is just the start. The predator may begin conversations by talking about the victim’s dating life – topics that would not be appropriate for an older adult to be asking a child. They may show the child sexual material or initiate conversations about sexual context. This is where the sexual abuse begins. The victim may even believe that they are in a relationship with their predator, a secret love affair they can trust no one to know. The abuser may ask for explicit pictures or victims of the child or will send them to the child, using manipulation to acquire the abusive materials. Phrases like “This is what people in relationships do” or “If you love me, you would” are often used by abusers to manipulate victims into engaging in sexual acts.
Maintaining Control:
The abuser will often pressure the victim to keep their relationship a secret, using tactics to create doubt and fear. They may claim that friends and family won’t support them and would only try to separate them from the abuser. Over time, the victim may come to believe this because they’ve been manipulated into thinking the abuser’s actions are well-intentioned. Abusers may also use threats, such as harming themselves, the victim, or their loved ones, to maintain control. They often shame the victim into silence, making them fear others will judge or think poorly of them if the truth comes out.
Signs of Grooming & How to Help:
Everyone should know the signs of grooming. Victims who are groomed may not know what is happening to them. They can be in such a manipulated state that they may not recognize it themselves. Signs may not be obvious but can include:
Sexualized behavior that isn’t appropriate for their age,
Appears to be in a relationship with an older person,
Spending less time with friends,
Being friends with people who are much older,
Starts skipping school/extracurricular activities,
Unexpected gifts – things the child or their family can’t afford or have no explanation for,
New alcohol or drug misuse,
Being secretive about how they are spending their time,
Isolating or going missing for periods of time,
Appearing upset, withdrawn, or distressed.
If you think someone is being groomed, it’s important to take action.
Start by writing down or taking screenshots of anything concerning, such as frequent contact with an older person, secretive behavior, or inappropriate conversations. Note dates, times, and details to help if authorities need to investigate.
Talk to the person gently if it feels safe. Ask simple, open-ended questions like, “Have they ever made you feel uncomfortable or asked you to keep secrets?”
Let them know they can trust you by saying, “You can tell me anything, and I’ll help.” Be mindful of your reactions; even though it’s distressing try to keep a calm expression and tone. Avoid blaming or accusing, which could make them pull away.
Share your concerns with a trusted adult, school official, or the police. You can also call hotlines like the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (1-800-THE-LOST) or RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) or reach out to us here at Project Mona’s House.
Together, we can all protect our children and create a safer world.
References
INTO ACCOUNT. (2023, May 8). KENT PETERS: ONE SURVIVOR'S STORY OF GROOMING AND SEXUAL ABUSE. INTO ACCOUNT. Retrieved November 26, 2024, from https://intoaccount.org/2023/05/08/kent-peters-one-survivors-story-of-grooming-and-sexual-abuse/
National Center for Victims of Crime. (n.d.). Grooming Dynamic. National Center for Victims of Crime. Retrieved November 26, 2024, from https://victimsofcrime.org/grooming-dynamic/
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